Safety trumps desire.
What do I mean by that? Quite simply, we’re wired for survival. And we learn our survival skills when we’re little kids. One of our major survival strategies is to agree with our parents (particularly the dominant one). So if our mom struggled with money, it might feel safer to struggle with money, too (because it’s familiar; “if she did it, I should do it”). If our parents battled, we might find ourselves battling with our spouse. Or if our siblings were jealous because we got more attention, maybe it’s safer to hide our light than to shine.
The bottom line is: No matter how much we desire something, we won’t let it in if it’s unsafe to have it. But knowing this can be very liberating and empowering, because we can change it!
Here’s how. If something you want is not in your life, ask yourself: What’s unsafe about having it? Will my sister be mad at me? Will my mom feel betrayed or abandoned? Will my father not feel needed? Will my friends think I’m arrogant or too ambitious? And on and on.
For instance, if you’re an actor, say your agent suddenly gets you out on amazing auditions and you book great work. What might be unsafe about that? You may say, NOTHING! I want this to happen! But I’m going to challenge you here. Because if it’s not in your life now, there must be a part of you in conflict with this desire. And that probably means somewhere, deep inside, letting this happen would be unsafe.
So why not give it a try? Think of that thing in your life that feels stuck. Is it in your career, money, relationship, health? Make a list of anything that might be an unwanted consequence of your success in this area, no matter how small. Question everything you put on this list. I recommend using EFT/Tapping here.*
As we release old fears that have kept us small and stuck, we can start affirming new beliefs like:
– I’m willing to believe it’s safe for me to have extra money.
– I’m willing to believe it’s safe for me to be successful.
– I’m willing to believe it’s safe for me to be thin.
– I’m willing to believe it’s safe for me to be in a loving relationship.
Remember: If something you desire is absent from your life, just ask what would be the unsafe consequence of having it. Who wouldn’t like it? Because usually that unsafe fear comes back to relationships. Will we still be loved if we let ourselves have this/do this/be this?
If you have questions, please ask me! It’s worth taking some time to do this exercise. I truly believe once we feel it’s safe to have/do/be something, we can.